Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Thursday THIRTEEN

THIRTEEN THINGS AN AUTHOR IS MOST AFRAID OF

1) Rejection letters from agents.
Even if the note is just a simple "No thank you," we see this:
"Dear Author,
Please stop sending me your hackneyed prose. Your stories suck. I hope you have another job, because writing just ain't it. If I sold writing like yours, I'd be the laughing stock of my profession. Please, for my sake and yours, stop querying me. "

2) Rejection letters from publishers.
Again, our imagination tends to see things in a darker light...
"Dear Author,
Just because we publish several of your online writing buddies, and just because your favorite author in the whole world is in our stable of authors, that doesn't mean you are welcome. As a matter of fact, if it were Christmas eve and ours was the only stables in town, and you were pregnant and riding on a donkey - we still wouldn't take you. Do us and the publishing world a big favor - take up bird watching."

3) Typos in submission letters.
Dear Agnet,
Dare Agent,
Dear Ms. Snork,
I'd like to submit my story, "Angles on Crusade..."
I'd like to sumbit by story,
Sincely yours,
Sincerey yours,
Jenfiner
Jennifre

4) Typos in our finished and FINALLY published books:
Page 34: Instead of the Gulf of Mexico, it reads the Golf of Mexico...

5) Readers picking up on our little typos.
"Dear ex-favorite author. I read your latest story. Where the f%*@! is the Golf of Mexico? Do you mean the one in Tijuana, the Golf del Sur? Or did you mean the one in Cancun - the Country club and Golf Verdez? In any case, it makes no sense. I'm through reading your books. An ex-fan.

6) Having nobody read our books.
"Dear Author - here is your royalty statement for the year 2006 / 2007:
You sold 0 copies
Your royalties are 0.00$

7) The Advance that Just Won't Go Away.
"Dear Author. Your advance was 1000$. You sold 0.00$ this year. You still owe us 1000$ on your advance against royalties. It will be a cold day in Hell before we sign another contract with you.

8) A Negative Review
(I can dig up a real one for this, but I'm having too much fun...)
"The Tell Tale Tart by Samantha Winston - ZERO STARS
Where to begin? Well, it was hard enough to begin when I started reading, and I barely got to the end - I only threw the book against the wall 86 times, and it's a novella, folks. The Tell Tale Tart starts off with a whimper and ends with a whine. The heroine, Janice, makes having PMS and the stomach flu, along with a raging fever seem fun, and the hero, Mike, really should be locked up somewhere in a maximum security prison for eternity. The good news is, it's practically a short story. The bad news is it cost me 4.95$ as a used book on Amazon. This was the worst piece of trash I've ever read. Don't even bother taking it out of the library.
Nancy the usually really Nice reviewer for Rarin' to Read Reviews"

9) Trying to find a quote to use from a negative review.
"The Tell Tale Tart...The heroine Janice...fun...the hero Mike...eternity. Good News."

10) Plagiarism
Finding out that witty expression your hero spouts throughout your book came from somewhere else. Your subconscious has betrayed you!
"The force be with you," said Mike.
Janice giggled and batted her eyelashes. "You're such a character, Mike."

11) Plagiarism 2
Finding out someone has plagiarised your book - taken your characters and given them slightly different names but kept the plot!
"Keep the force," said Mark.
Jane laughed hysterically and waved her eyelashes in the air. "You're my romance hero, Mark!"


12) Finding out the 'OTHER' book gets a five star review and lands on the NYT best seller list.
"...I can't say enough good things about Ms. Desforges new book. Her fresh new writing makes the wonderful characters come to life. I want to spend my entire life reading more books about Mark and Jane. Fabulous. Highly recommended.
Nancy the really Nice reviewer for Rarin' to Read Reviews"

13) Success.
Because then you have to write another book just as good.

Um....14) Finding out that it's Wednesday.
Just ignore this post until Tomorrow folks.
:-)

15 comments:

Gabriele C. said...

...waved her eyelashes in the air ...

Did she tie them to a pole? Very funny 13 with a grain of truth.

Rosie said...

If you hadn't said anything at the end I would just have figured you were planning ahead and being efficient. ;-)

Punny Yumpkin said...

That was really funny. Thursday Thirteen? Does that mean that you do something like this every week? If so it's a good idea. STOMP.

Sam said...

Gabriele - a writer's whimsy (waving eyelashes) lol.

Rosie - the word efficient doesn't describe me. Ever. LOL.

Punny - Yes, every Thursday, unless it's a Wednesday, and sometimes I forget.
Other people do it much better than I. Check out Douglas Hoffman from my links list.

Carrie Lofty said...

#9 made me snort :)

Bernita said...

~snork and giggle~
Good job, Sam!

Ann Aguirre said...

Hmmm. I really only consider #13, from time to time.

Fun list!

Sandra Schwab said...

*LOL* I so need to learn how to wave my eyelashes around in the air! :)

Somebody who reviewed Castle of the Wolf on her blog, gave the book 1/2 stars. Now that was a blow to a little girl's heart! (But it's nothing that a few chocolate cookies can't cure. *g*)

Sam said...

Hi Carrie - only number 9? LOL

Bernita - thanks!

Ann - I'll only admit to number 13 myself. *cough cough*

Sandra - bad reviews NEED chocolate. Why, after making that one up, I needed chocolate, lol.
And I think I started something with that eyelash waving.

Tilly Greene said...

So very true - thank you for the smile :-)

Moondancer said...

Yeah, all very scary things done in a funny way. Thanks for the smile.

http://moondancerdrake.livejournal.com

Donica Covey said...

Ah the mamories...Mmries...memories you have invoked.

HAPPY TT
Donica Covey

December/Stacia said...

AWESOME. And so true. And I want to wave my eyelashes around in the air too!

John Nez said...

Ah yes, that list nicely sums up the various joys of Publishing! Such a rewarding occupation both spiritually and financially.

Oh well, at least we get to stay at home... alone.

Lately I've had this awful little voice of the 'critic' in my head as I paint away. It says "The overly busy paintings in bright cartoon colors try to convey a lively sense of the story... but fall short"

Ugh! In my next lifetime I'll sell carpet. As far as I know there are no carpet critics.

:0)

lisabea said...

That is the best list. LOVED it. The story of my life is littered with typos, "Unite My Heart" being one of my favorites.

sigh.