Monday, February 19, 2007

How to make a Splash at book conferences

Having been to many conferences, I have (from experience) seen with (my own eyes) what makes for a big Splash. So if you want to make a Big Splash (from herein known as BS) you should do as these authors have done:

1) Hassle agents in the bathroom about submissions - slide the darn thing right under the door of their stall if they insist on acting coy.

2) Carry a huge (800 page) manuscript around and beg people to read it. Better still if you can carry two of these around - put them in canvas bags and make sure the pages are all numbered correctly.

3) Make sure your clothes for the conference are eye-catching. Sequins, lots of bare skin, feather boas (all authors walk around with feather boas) and a huge hat and/or jewelry will set you apart.

4) Wear a long neckace with clips and put all your cards and bookmarks on it. Pull them off and hand them to Everyone you meet. Make sure your nametag has flashy lights.

5) When you put your cards and bookmarks on the promo tables, make sure to sweep everyone else's promo shit aside. I mean, Really, the nerve of them.

6) Chase after the male models screaming 'I want your BABY!'

7) Don't forget to tell everyone that Your book is the only good one out there - the rest is just trash.

8) Hang out at the bar & drink cosmos until your see triple, and make sure you flirt with everyone. People go to conferences to flirt.

If you do all these things, I promise that people will be talking about your BS for years to come.


December Quinn said...

*hides boa and sequined cats-eyes glasses*

Ha ha! I can't believe people do those crazy things!

crowwoman / rhian said...

so what you're SAYING is if i attend a book conference one day (not that i really have a reason to) my slightly eccentric fashion sense will make me feel right at home. Whoda thunk it. Yo December, you got a tiara too to go with that boa? Grin! Maybe I should post a picture of the time I made fifteen of my girlfriends show up to a friend's booksigning in tiaras and boas...

Kate R said...

Don't forget to badmouth your ex-agent and ex-publisher.

Love the poetree at dougs. I think we're the same year.

Anonymous said...

That's the spirit... after all, writers are mere vendors to the great churning wheels of the publishing industry.

What I thought would be funny to do would be to get a sandwich board with a big graphic of my book on it... and a ridiculous looking top hat with covers of my books stapled all over it... and then I could hawk my way down the exhibition floor like one of those hot dog salesmen at the ball park.

"Get my books, Books here!"
"Half price!"
"Hot books... get your books!"


December Quinn said...

Lol, jn anon.

Actually, I do happen to own a tiara. I got it when my sd and the girl I wish was mine (in a "love her like my own daughter" way) went to see The Princess Diaries 2. We all wore tiaras. It was fun.

Wynn Bexton said...

You mean it's okay to drink til you see triple? Right on!

Sam said...

December - can I borrow your tiara if I go to a conference some day? LOL
And yes, Rhian, you will feel right at home in eccentric clothes, lol. Well, there will be a few people who might top you.
Kate - I forgot the badmouth ex-publisher and ex-agent! Yes, there is an art to that. Usually it's done when you're already seeing triple (n'est pas, Wynn?) and it comes out sort of garbled so you have to Shout it.

Sam said...

JN - I'd love a mock-up of the sandwich board, lol.
Let's see:
Book for Sale.
The only book worth reading.
Get it here (with arrow pointing towards pile of books)
Half Price POD - only 20$

Bernita said...

Why do I have the dirty feeling that there are people who actually DO these things?

Sam said...

Because, Bernita - they actually do. I've either seen or heard of all these, um, splashes.

Gabriele C. said...

Not that some people who are on the business side of the business don't misbehave. Remember the BOOBIES! incident the Smart Bitches posted about?

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