OK - this dates from a while ago when I read a 'Dear Abby' (or something) from a girl who complained that the day she lost her virginity was nothing special, in fact, it was a disaster, and she was embarassed to tell the truth about it because during a dinner party with girlfriends, they all said that their 'first time' was super romantic - so she Invented a story.
'Dear Abby' replied that most of her girlfriends had probably made up stories too - and that most 'first times' were pretty embarassing.
It got me to thinking. Not about my 'first time' - it was, believe me, nothing to write about, but about a person (Call her Dierdre) who told me this story, and I've been dying to write it down ever since. It was, by far, the most embarrasing 'first time' story I've ever heard. I've lost touch with Dierdre, so I'm counting on her not reading my blog - but anyway, the names have all been chaged to protect the...ridiculous.
Anyway, here is her story told in her words:
Deidre - (in a strong southern drawl) - My first time was with my cousin. Don't laugh. Our familes spent every Thanksgiving together ever since I was born. They drove down from Maryland, where they lived, and stayed for three days with us. I was sixteen that year, So, if you calculate right, I'd known my cousin for exactly 48 days which is pretty much how long people date before hopping in bed together, right?"
(At this point I think I wanted to say something, but I was afraid to stop the story...)
Deidre - I'd just gotten my driver's license, and my mother had forgotten a bunch of things at the grocery, so she sent me off to go shopping, and my cousin, Ken, came with me. He was cute, and I was pretty interested in him. We'd kissed a few times, and he didn't make a secret of the fact he was hot for me. As soon as we got in the car, he said, "Let's do it!" and I knew just what he wanted to do, and I said "Yes, but you got to wear a rubber". I might have been a virgin, I wasn't stupid. Ken agreed, and said he'd buy one from the distributor at the store. So after we finished shopping, he grabbed a rubber from the machine, and we hurried back to the car to find a secluded spot to park.
Me - Your first time was in a car?
Dierdre - Sort of. Anyhow. We parked the car in a pitch black alley between two closed stores, and took off our clothes. The grocery bags were in the way, so we put them in the front seat and climbed in the back. Ken took the rubber out and fumbled it, and it fell. We spent the next ten minutes searching for it, and when we found it, it was covered with chip crumbs and dog hair. I mean, this was a family car, you know? We only had one rubber, so we decided to wash it off. I remembered buying a bottle of seltzer water, so I groped in the bags and found a bottle. It was so dark, I couldn't see anything, but I leaned out the window, opened the bottle, and poured a good amount over the rubber. Right away I smelled alcohol, and realized I'd grabbed the vodka bottle. But what the heck - it would clean and disinfect, I thought, and I gave it to Ken without saying anything.
He put it on. He was lying on the seat, I was kneeling above him, and I was just about, you know, there, when suddenly he starts to whimper.
Ken - Shit man, it's burning! I think I'm allergic to rubber!
Dierdre - I lost my balance and slipped, and I lost my virginity with a guy who was crying hysterically and doing his level best to get away from me and peel the rubber off. I grabbed a handful of tissue from the box (we always had Kleenex in the car - with kids and dogs and stuff) and I helped Ken clean himself off. He wrapped the rubber in the Kleenex and I stuffed the wad in my pocket, figuring I'd throw it in the first garbage can I saw. We dressed and drove home; but I could tell Ken was not feeling good. He walked bow-legged into the house and didn't even help carry the shopping. My mom and my aunt were at the door, and they started asking us where we were and what had taken us so long. And then my aunt saw the half-empty vodka bottle, and started to yell at us, asking us if we'd lost our minds, and what were we thinking, drinking and driving, and I could have gotten her son killed, and me too.
Ken was looking green by now, and I thought the vodka was a pretty good alibi. But the poor kid did have an almighty allergic reaction to the vodka-soaked rubber, and he spent the next three days squirming in pain, and he finally broke down and confessed to his dad what had happened.
Me - Did you get in trouble?
Dierdre - No, my uncle was cool and didn't tell my mom, but that was the last Thanksgiving we spent with them - after that, there was always some excuse. And I didn't see my cousin until his wedding.
Me - I bet I can guess what you got him.
Deirdre - Yup - a case of vodka.